Double Down

As Americans we are not only victims, but we are slaves. We are slaves to an almighty power that weakens us in the most unexpected of ways. It was this force, that got me out of bed this morning, that instructed me to put on my pants, and guided me past a gauntlet of eateries to my eventual destination. As I stumbled up 6 blocks on first avenue it was this unwavering hope that continued to drive me. This omnipotent quality that held me true when I passed by two ladies scarfing down what could only have been the most delectable of pizzas. It was this genius energy that prevented me from satiating myself at David Chang’s Momofuku Noodle Bar. It was this faith that prevented me from going astray and satisfying my every gastrointestinal whim at S’Mac on 12th street. It was the very God that keeps America in chains 145 years after the civil war. The unholy God of advertising.

As soon as the first television advertisement aired the country was abuzz with concern. What was it? How could this be legal? People are going to be having heart-attacks at KFC’s all over the country! Is, in fact, the Double-down the government’s realization of the death panels Sarah warned me about?

All jokes aside the double-down has in fact been making news all over the country in the most unlikely of places. Even Nate Silver of fivethirtyeight, a political statistician’s website, had his own post about the healthiness of the sandwich. However it was not the news, but the intrigue that led this reviewer to his destination on this fateful afternoon. Having not had KFC, or frankly, any fried chicken since 1995 it seemed nothing short of necessary to experience bacon, and mayonnaise hugged by two fried breasts. The result?  I will not be breaking any news when I say this; television advertisements are dirty liars.

While the walk was strenuous, and the temptations of quality food were aplenty, the greatest challenges still lay ahead. Entering the Kentucky Fried Chicken on 14th st, and 2nd avenue is like walking into another world. First off; because it’s down the street from the Ear and Eye infirmary, so it is filled with nurses, and people imitating pirates; but more importantly because it’s a far cry from the vegan, raw, and health-food eateries that plague the village. The menu is stark and offers little in the ways of hope. Online KFC claims the sandwich has a meager 540 Calories, however an article from AOL news claims that this is an unfair estimate, placing the sandwich closer to 1,190 calories. While nothing on the company’s website suggests this the menu in the store realizes both of these estimates. The sandwich is marked, on the menu, as ranging anywhere from 475-1080 calories, similarly the cole-slaw is ranged from 180-640 calories. With a medium Dr. Pepper placing at 200 calories, my meal could have been anywhere between 855 and 1920 calories. Which is actually a perfect lunch for me, as I am on a extremely strict diet of somewhere between 2,265 and 5,760 calories per day.

When I ordered the sandwich the woman behind the counter announced, at a loud volume, “THE DOUBLE DOWN!” After a number of other loyal customers, with less of an interest in destroying their future, got their meals, my number was called. It was to begin. On a very anticlimactic tray my food arrived. The paper place mat was held in place by some mashed potatoes left over from the tray’s last customer. The sandwich was hidden in a box, displaying the jovial Colonel Sander. He bared an uneasy smile, almost as if to say “I’m not really comfortable with what you’re about to do.” As I listened to the children next to me argue about who was a better ball-player, I said what might very well be my final prayers, and began my venture into the unknown.

The sandwich was disappointing. It was bland, and the bacon was lacking significantly. The “Colonel’s sauce” was almost unnoticeable, and frankly is the least appetizing sounding condiment I have ever heard of.  As far as the Monterey Jack cheese is concerned, I had completely forgotten that it was even on the sandwich.  I only remembered it was there when I double checked to make sure I wasn’t leaving anything out.

Now to the chicken; growing up one of my strongest memories was after a soccer game when a parent brought KFC for the team, just like a commercial. I remember never having had eaten anything like it.  The chicken was juicy, and the exterior was a perfect crisp. It was the holy grail of fast food, and completely forbidden in my home. Sean, another player on the team, and I finished over 3 family sized buckets of the delicious birds. When my mother came and found me, with fried bits orbiting my mouth, she was horrified.

As we grow older, and mature into the people we are, I suppose our taste-buds weaken, but I think we also gain a knowledge of what is good, and what is most definitely not. For instance, I am often reminded by my brother that I loved Raffi as a child. Suffice it to say memory led me astray; the chicken was dry, the fried was unimpressive, and overall the sandwich was a huge disappointment. Of course the biggest disappointment of all is that I didn’t even die after eating it. In fact, 2 hours later I don’t even really feel sick. At least not any sicker than I normally would after consuming 855-1920 calories in one sitting.

NOTE: When I was leaving I had planned to take note of the caloric range on the menu, but got distracted as two men were beaten and arrested outside the KFC. When I returned home I studied the internet and found that neither KFC’s website, nor any of the articles pertaining to the sandwich mention the in store representation, and therefore I retraced my steps to the store in order to accurately report the caloric range displayed on the menu.